August 20, 2018

It really surprised me.  Shocked me actually.  A handful of hair as a result of running my fingers through my hair.  A whole handful.

I heard my voice cry out, but my brain couldn’t actually comprehend it.  Skip was right there with me and I just looked at him and said, “here we go”.  It hit me hard and I just buried my face in his chest and cried.  He couldn’t even run his hands over my head to comfort me because he was afraid of robbing my head of more hair.

It has been a few days since that first handful and each day has had several hands full of hair that got dropped into the trash can.  I haven’t cried since the first day.

The doctors told me this might happen.  They said that even though my chemo was not systemic, some of it would be absorbed by my body and could affect me.

I lost hair after my kidney transplant but it took a few months to start and came out very slowly over a longer period of time.  I guess that’s what I was expecting to happen this time too.

I had a talk with my Lord.  I told Him I didn’t even know how to think or feel or what to do next.  He reminded me that He knows every hair on my head because He made me and He sustains me.

I’ve known so many people who have had cancer and lost their hair.  I’ve watched them go through this process.

From my perspective they handled it with their heads held high.  They knew it was just a season.  They would get through it.  They wore their hats, scarves, or their au naturale and rocked it.

Now it’s my turn to go through this season.   I can choose how I want to do it.  Or at least how I’m going to try to do it.  I kinda have a big head to there’s that. . .

Whatever is on my head, let it be a badge of honor showing off what God has done in my body to rid it from cancer.  Let it be an example to those in the future who find themselves staring at their hands full of their own hair and wondering what will come next.

Lord, this hasn’t caught you by surprise.  Your words of comfort and constant presence will guide me through this.  Thank you for those who have been an example to me and may I be a good example to others who go through this in the future.  Please don’t let my vanity or pride get in the way.  Let my identity be who I am in you.