May 22, 2018

“For I know the plans I have for you”,  declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”   Jeremiah 29:11  

I’m a planner.  I love check lists and charts.  Calendars and schedules.  As I think about what is to come about in the next few months with treating this cancer, my mind wants to plan out the schedule.  The schedule for treatment.  The schedule for taking care of my home and family.  Meals, doctor appointments, hair cuts, chemo, work, surgery – I want to schedule it so I am can control it.

But where is God in all of this?   His plans are to prosper me and give me hope and a future.    My plans are only to get through each day with every task completed. .

Holding on tightly to the work that needs to be done only fills my hands and mind with temporary control and satisfaction.  God’s plans for me are so much better – and eternal.  When I loosen my grip on my plans, that surrender of my will allows God to work in ways I could never imagine.

Lord, my days belong to you.  Guide me on the path you have for me.  I know it will be an adventure.

May 23, 2018

“Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”  Hebrews 4:16

Boldly.  With confidence.  That is how I am learning to pray.  It’s hard for me to find the balance between humbleness and confidence.  Between submission and boldness.

I usually pray with my head down.  My eyes closed.  Sometimes kneeling.  Humble.  Submissive to the Lord God Almighty.  But I realize that my relationship with God is so personal that I can call Him Abba Father – Daddy.  I can tell Him how I really feel.  I can boldly ask Him for healing, wisdom, and grace during this time.  I can have confidence that He hears me and will answer me because He loves me and is always faithful. (Psalm 9:10)

Lord, you are faithful and good.  You know everything about me.  My thoughts, my words, my actions, my illness.  As your child, I come boldly before you and ask you to wipe this cancer from my body.  I know it will be painful and hard for me, but I know that you hear my request and will do what is best for me.  I boldly trust you , Lord.

May 25, 2018

My prayer today:

Lord, you are the God of mercy and grace.  Mercy, because you don’t give us the punishment we deserve.  Grace, because you give us gifts we don’t deserve.  You are over all things yet not one detail escapes your attention.

Forgive me, Lord, when I lose sight of your great love for me.  When I forget that you planned my existence before you created the world and that every thought I think is known by you.

My thoughts are all over the place.  As I plan to go to the oncologist today, I am full of fear, anxiety, expectation, peace, and dare I say – joy?  My human emotions want to freak out. My soul, guided by your Holy Spirit, stands firm – reminding me that I belong to you.  Friends are texting me scripture and praise songs.  My Bible sits open on my lap.  I am waiting in expectation.

Lord, I just have to say that I wouldn’t have chosen this path for myself.  I would have chosen the smooth path that had a neat border and was well lit.  This path you are leading me on looks bumpy and dark and the edges are not well defined.

I know you will guide me but I’m fearful of the unknown.  I feel I am ill equipped to travel – like I’ve forgotten to pack something important.

What I really want, Lord, is to be about your business.  I want to be serving you and helping others.  This unexpected trip is gumming up the works.

I know your plans for me are good.  I know you want me to travel light – no heavy luggage to carry.  I know you want me to trust the navigator and the map.

If this is what surrender looks like – I’m in.  If this path is what you have chosen – I’ll go.  If this is how I am to serve you and help others- I’ll do it.

You’ve promised me you’ll hold my hand and carry me when I’m too tired to walk.  I’m ready, Lord.