May 20, 2018

Waiting has always been difficult for me.  My vivid imagination takes over and I play the “what if” game over and over again in my head.

The “what ifs” put the focus on my inability to control my circumstances – which is true – but what this crazy game doesn’t do is focus on the one who does have control over everything.  This crazy mind game leaves me feeling hopeless and in limbo.  Forgetting that God is sovereign and omniscient.

Psalm 22:24 says, “For He has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; He has not hidden His face from him (her), but has listened to his (her) cry for help.”

Lord, only you know what is going on in my body.  Only you know what the outcome will be. Only you have the power to heal me.  Only you know how you will use this for good – no matter how it ends.  Only you, Lord.  Only you.  Only you.

May 21, 2018

It’s amazing to look back over the past 6 months and see how God has worked in my life.  Our daughter, who has the same inherited kidney disease as I do, started to decline in kidney function and was placed on the transplant list.  A friend was willing to donate a kidney and the surgery was scheduled right before Christmas.  (Merry Christmas to our family!)

During the successful transplant and recovery, I helped to take care of her littles.  Her littlest little has some special needs and goes to therapy several times a week.  Lifting him in and out of his car-seat caused me to develop a hernia (yes, a real hernia).  Following the surgery to repair said hernia, the doctor told me he had found an unusual gelatinous material in my peritoneal cavity and that I should have it checked out.  The checking out part revealed that the yucky stuff was cancer – which made it extra yucky.

This cancer is called the silent killer because it doesn’t cause any symptoms – or the symptoms are very vague at first.  By the time it is usually found it is very advanced.  It is a rare cancer and difficult to treat.

The words “NOT FAIR” want to tumble around in my mind.  “WHY ME” wants to raise an angry fist up to God.  But. . . I stop short of having a pity party because God’s goodness and faithfulness tip the scales.  I have been so abundantly blessed throughout my life.  I am loved.  I am cared for.  I have a family, a home, a church family, a ministry, a business – so many, many blessings.

God is doing something in my life and through my life.  I don’t know what it is yet, but I think it might be big.  I want it to be big.  I get to be a part of what God is doing.  It’s going to be hard.  Ugly.  Painful.  Big.  Beautiful.  Awful.  Amazing.  Life-changing.

Lord, you are faithful.  Perfectly faithful.  Thank you for loving me enough to work in my life and to bless me so abundantly.  I praise you, Lord.  I love you.