“Are you cooking for Thanksgiving?”
The question brought me back to reality. “Yes, I’m cooking for the family”, I said.
I knew the technician was just making small talk to fill the time as he prepped me for another CT scan.
As I sensed the familiar metallic taste in my mouth and felt the cold chemical contrast enter my body, I also sensed the fear and dread that wanted to rise up in my mind.
Even as I prayed for God to allow the CT scan to show any cancer hiding in my body, I feared the answer. “What if it’s back?”
I had never heard about this part of the cancer journey. I never thought about the constant threat of the return of the deadly stuff. It was a surprise to me.
I remembered the words in Philippians 4 which tell us to not be anxious about anything and to be thankful. But here I was, the day before Thanksgiving, being anxious about everything and not being thankful for anything.
Being someone who likes to plan ahead, this whole cancer anxiety can be like a wet blanket that threatens to snuff out any spark of joy or flame of thankfulness I might muster up on my own. How can I plan and schedule and create when everything might be cut short?
I really want that peace God promises. The peace that can’t be explained that I know comes only from Him.
I long to look at my life through the lens of eternity, knowing that fretting and worrying will not affect the outcome of my life but will, most definitely, affect my quality of life.
So with the hum of the CT machine in the background, I chose to be thankful. I named as many things as I could think of to be grateful for – including the machine I was lying in. I have to admit, though, I didn’t feel the warmth of the peace I wanted.
I didn’t feel it but I knew it was there. How? Because God said it would be there. His Word promises that when I pray with a thankful heart, turning everything over to Him, His peace will guard my heart.
His peace will guard my heart against anger and bitterness. I could easily go there without His peace.
I know my heart would quickly jump on the bandwagon of sadness and depression if not guarded by His peace.
My thoughts could most definitely melt into a raging river of angst if allowed to travel on their own and not be guarded by Him.
I am so very blessed. Blessed to be able to receive medical care. Blessed to have a loving family and church family around me. Blessed to know Christ as my savior, the one who guards my heart and my mind and has eternity all planned out.
Lord, help me to stay focused on you. I know I don’t have to plan out my days -you’ve already done that. Help me to not miss what you have placed before me because I am too worried about what is to come. I know when it gets here, you will help me through it. Thank you for your unexplainable peace that you have promised to all of us who thankfully pray for your guidance and direction.