February 24, 2019

I’ve been silent on this blog for weeks. Silent, because I had no words.

Well, I had words – but they made no sense. They tumbled around in my head. They were all over the place and could not be corralled into sentences that made sense.

I was so happy for 2018 to come to an end. Last year was full of many trials and I was happy to see it go. I was ready to start the year off on the right foot and get on to living my life with strength and a renewed sense of energy.

But that didn’t happen. In January, we found out our youngest daughter, a kidney transplant recipient in 2017 had some difficulty and needed a biopsy. Some antibodies were getting ready to gang up on her new kidney and needed to be stopped. A scary storm. Meanwhile, our oldest daughter, who has has the same kidney disease, continues to decline . She’s just waiting for her turn to have a transplant. Dark clouds overhead.

Shortly after that, I came down with something like the stomach flu. The doctors weren’t sure, but ruled out everything else. After 2 visits to the emergency room, pain meds, anti-nausea meds, and weeks of recovery I finally got back on my feet. Gale force winds.

Then. . . we got a phone call from our son. He was in the hospital in another state where he lives. Doctors ran tests and diagnosed him with Type 1 diabetes at age 28. We were completely blindsided. I just wanted to be with him. I was ready to pack my bags but was in no condition to drive or fly. Even if I was strong enough to go, an ice-storm was blocking the way.

I was numb. I was weak. I had no words. I didn’t even have enough energy to raise an angry fist at God and ask Him why He had allowed all three of our children to be diagnosed with life-altering diseases. Why does a rare kidney disease run rampant in our family? Why was I allowed to have a rare cancer that almost took my life? Why God? This was all too much.

You can imagine my reaction that same day we got the call, when Hubs reminded me that we had a training meeting in a few hours at church. “You’ve got to be kidding, right?” Nope, he wasn’t kidding.

It was the only time this intensive training was going to take place and Hubs thought it best that we stick with our plans. Besides, he wasn’t going to leave me alone by myself. I went, reluctantly, and sat like a frozen statue in my chair at a table.

But then the great thaw began to take place as we were directed to look into God’s Word. I felt like a big, warm blanket was being wrapped around me. I began to focus on truth. On God’s assurances. On God’s promises. On His faithfulness. Truth.

I was reminded that life is not perfect or fair or predictable. I realized my state of frozeness had been because my summer loving faith had run smack dab into a winter storm that wasn’t on my radar. I was under-dressed and over-exposed because I was ill-prepared.

Looking back, I realized my walk with the Lord had been a little lightweight because I had been self-focused for a few weeks. It’s seems only natural to do so when trying to take care of your sick body or worried about your family. It’s easy to let our mind focus more on the earthly than the eternal.

Distracted by weakness and worry, I neglected to put on the protective gear I needed to wear daily. What kind of gear? The kind that studies God’s Word deeply, prays for guidance diligently, and focuses intently on the truth of who God is.

Who is God? The God who knows exactly what He is doing in my life and the lives of my family members. He knows how our bodies work and what we need and provides it for us.

The God whose timing is perfect. Our son’s doctors discovered his sky-high blood sugar levels at a routine physical just in time to save his life.

The God who has been faithful over and over again to us and guiding our lives. I might not always be prepared but He is.

He is with me through every storm and uses each one to teach me and grow me into who He wants me to become. And, He’s doing it in my kid’s and grand-little’s lives too.

Lord, I can’t even imagine what you are preparing for me but I know it will be good. Forgive me for freezing up when storms come because I’m not prepared. Help me to stay close to you. To stay in the shelter of your love.