I received a beautiful new prayer journal as a Christmas gift.  I was still filling the pages of my old one until May 7th, which by the way, was the first day of  my cancer story.  I’ve decided to record my journal thoughts here on my blog.  Since I’m playing catch-up from the beginning of May, I’ll combine some of the days together until I get caught up.

May 11, 2018

“The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  Deuteronomy 31:8

Perspective is a fickle thing.  My focus dictates my mood and can help usher me towards a peaceful heart or drag me down into despair.

When I think of life as eternal, all is well and I “get it”.  When I think of my life as only being on this earth, I panic that it might end all too soon.

God made me to be eternal and because my life belongs to Him due to His saving grace, I don’t have to fear death.  My future looks good.

Father, you have provided everything I need, including eternal life.  I know you go before me in every situation and you are with me now.  You will never leave me or ignore me.  You are good.  Help me to focus on you so that my perspective does not change and my heart does not waver.

May 12, 2018  a.m.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”  Matthew 7:7-8  

I’ve always had a hard time asking God to heal me.  Some people ask “why me?”.  I tend to ask “why not me?”.  After all, we live in a broken world that contains sickness and death.  Why should I think it wouldn’t affect me?  How could I be so selfish to think that I should only receive blessings?

But Jesus tells us that we should continually ask, seek, and knock and He will answer, reveal, and open whatever His will is for us.  And because He is good, His answer will be good.  It’s not a gumball machine reaction though – put in an “ask” and out pops a “given to you”.  It’s me communicating with the God who made me and earnestly wanting what He wants to give me.

Lord, I want to be obedient to you and ask that you heal my body.   I want to seek what you are teaching me in all of this.  I want to knock on the door and know you will answer and show me things I wouldn’t have seen otherwise.  I know you are faithful.

May 12, 2018  p.m.

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”  Isaiah 43:1

It has been a long, beautiful, hard day.  With my small business shop open, our home was filled with clients, friends, and guests.  It was wonderful to see everyone.  It was more like a homecoming than a few days of making sales.

I tried to really enjoy the moments, but my heart was weary.  Weary from keeping my diagnosis a secret until I had a few more answers and until we had told our kids.

Tonight we called a family meeting with our daughters and their families and planned a later time to Skype with our son, a Marine,  who is stationed in another state.

While the grandlittles caught bugs and chased each other around the yard, Skip and I sat on the back deck and told our kids about my cancer diagnosis.  Each of them handled the news in their own individual way.  Tears, silence, dry humor, anger, anxious fidgeting.  But at the end, we gathered together in a circle, held each other, and prayed.  It was beautiful as each of us prayed to be a part of God getting all of the glory in this storm.

Later, we talked with our son.  I needed to look at his face when I told him.  I needed him to see that I was OK and that we would all pull together as a family.

Lord, we will praise you in this storm.  We will not fear for you have redeemed us and we belong to you.  You call us by our names and we call you Abba, Father.