I received a beautiful new prayer journal as a Christmas gift.  I was still filling the pages of my old one until May 7th, which by the way, was the first day of  my cancer story.  I’ve decided to record my journal thoughts here on my blog.  Since I’m playing catch-up from the beginning of May, I’ll combine some of the days together until I get caught up.

May 9, 2018

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

I think I’ll remember this date for awhile.  Today is my first appointment with an oncologist.  I feel like I’ve lived this day before.  Nine years ago, I entered a doctor’s office that I never thought I would be in.  I was to see a nephrologist for the first time and I knew the news wouldn’t be good.

So today, like nine years ago, I will walk into this doctor’s office and see it as my new mission field.  I am at a place, on this date, at age 56 for God’s plan and purpose.  I don’t know what the next 30, 60, or 90 days will look like but God does.

Thank you, Lord, for using my life to accomplish something bigger than myself.  Psalm 16 says that you have set my boundaries in pleasant places.  No matter what news I hear today, help me to not be shaken because I know my hope is in you.  Help me to look to you for direction.  Make your voice clear and help my mind to comprehend what I am hearing.  Help me to remember that I am your walking miracle and these people are about to see some more of your handiwork.

May 10, 2018

” For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness’, made His light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”  2 Corinthians 6-7

These verses are such a powerful section of scripture for me to read today.  When my jar of clay (my body) is cracked and broken, God’s all-surpassing power and Christ’s life can shine through the cracks.  My brokenness and pain allows light to shine in the darkness.

That is how God works.  His economy is the exact opposite as our human economy.  He says, “The last will be first”.  He says, “The weak will become strong”.  He says, “You have nothing but posses everything. ”

Lord, this cancer will weaken my body.  The treatments to get rid of the cancer will cut and crack my body.  If I must go through this process, I want it to have a purpose beyond the obvious – getting rid of the cancer and keeping me alive.   I want those cracks to reveal your work in my life.  Help me to rejoice in the pain and suffering I’m about to go through because it is an opportunity for your strength and mercy and healing to be revealed.  With your strength, Lord, we can do this.